like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
