I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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