Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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