I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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