My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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