I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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