my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
