Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the day after is always just damage control
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
