He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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