Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
