I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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