That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
