I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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