I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
