I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
