My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
