Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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