Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
