I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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