he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
