the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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