She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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