when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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