he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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