I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
