I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
