Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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