My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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