So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
