I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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