he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
