I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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