He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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