I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
