Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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