he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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