On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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