apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just google imaged poop.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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