I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
