Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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