apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
