dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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