I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
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Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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