The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Couch. On fire.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
