So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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