Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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