If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
should my penis look like a turkey
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
