Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
