Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
