my phone needs a breathalizer
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
