i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish you could order shots online.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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