Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
