btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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