I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
