Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
