dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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