the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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