just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
