Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
