Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
